While your appearance will no doubt play a part in getting a guy you like to notice you and ask you out, there are many other factors which actually play a much more significant role in the long run when it comes to being attractive. Unfortunately, if you are like a lot of women, you may be spending far too much time worrying about your hair, your makeup, your thighs, and your wardrobe than considering who you are as a person and how you act in those early critical stages of a relationship.

Those early stages can make or break the chances of a budding relationship turning into something more serious. And most of you are probably looking for something long-term rather than endless casual dates that go nowhere. Even if you’re not, you probably want to be in the driver’s seat rather than being the one who gets left by the side of the road. Following are several secrets which, if mastered, will make you irresistibly attractive and greatly increase the odds of keeping his interest for the long haul.

1) Confidence, confidence, confidence!

One of the most attractive traits you can have is confidence. We are all naturally drawn to people who are self-assured and confident. Part of the reason for this is because we tend to admire people who have traits we would like to possess ourselves. And confidence is one of those traits so many people lack. Also, if one already possesses a positive trait, we are drawn to others who have it as well.

Confident people are appealing because they act from a position of strength. That is, they don’t give their power away easily, and thus are more in control when it comes to interpersonal situations. A truly confident person usually has high self-esteem. As a result she is typically less “needy” in a relationship, drawing others to her, rather than repelling them like needy people do.

Now you may be thinking to yourself, if I am lacking in confidence how do I get it? Well, there are many things you can do to build your self-confidence which are beyond the scope of this article, but the first thing you can do is to “act as if”. This can actually be quite powerful if you do it consistently.

Practice acting as if you are confident. Standing tall and looking people in the eye when you talk to them are two good places to start. Observe others who appear confident and model their behavior. Smile and say hi to people and initiate conversations. You may be quaking in your boots on the inside, but only you need to know that! Acting “as if” is a great way to begin developing any desirable trait, and the more you do it, the more it will develop. Most men find confident women to be very attractive!

2) Stop being so nice…

This is a far more crucial aspect of attractiveness than most people realize. First, let me clarify that there is nothing wrong with being a truly nice person, IF you are doing it for the right reasons and if you have a lot of other great qualities to go with it. Unfortunately, some people act nice because a) they need to compensate for a lack other positive qualities; b) they are incredibly insecure and desperate to please; or c) they want something from you. In these three cases, “nice” is not really a good trait and makes a person anything but attractive, and a guy will pick up on these pretty quickly.

Have you ever met someone who you thought was “really nice” at first, and then in time, when they didn’t get what they wanted from you they suddenly turned on you and showed a very dark side? Or, perhaps you’ve met people who are nice in that they are so desperate to win your approval that they always agree with you, always laugh at your jokes, and will do anything you ask them to. Now, how much respect do you have for people who are like that? Probably very little, if any. And if you met a guy like that, you’d probably run the other direction, just as he will with you!

Most men desire a woman who is secure enough to stand up for herself, say no, disagree, and express her opinion even when it is the opposite of his. Not only is it intriguing, it shows confidence and strength. This isn’t to say you should never agree with him or that you should shove your opinions in his face at every opportunity. Rather you want to show that you don’t need his approval; that you are your own person. And that makes you very attractive and interesting.

3) Never talk about your flaws!

Okay, I need to preface this with saying that down the road when you’ve been a couple for awhile it’s okay to share some of your most secret self doubts and insecurities. BUT, early on, don’t whine about your flaws! You want him focusing on your strengths and not your faults, so by all means don’t go pointing them out to him.

For example, like 95% of the women on this planet, you probably hate your thighs and wish you were 5-10 pounds thinner. But don’t complain to him about your less than perfect body. Save that for your chats with your girl friends. When you complain to him, he will feel pressured to reassure you and compliment you, which may feel uncomfortable to him. Let him compliment you when he genuinely wants to. Also, if you don’t like yourself, he may start wondering why he likes you. If he thinks you’re a great catch, don’t ruin his perception by trying to convince him otherwise!

4) Leave him wanting more…

This is vital, especially when you are first dating. It’s really easy to get caught up in your time together and want to spend as much time with him as possible. But trust me, you will be far more desirable if you are the one who ends your time together and keeps it on the short side. It’s kind of like a delicacy which you don’t get to eat very often. When you do, you relish each bite. But if you had it all the time or ate too much of it, you would quickly stop enjoying it as much.

Giving him too much of your time early on will make it very easy for him to take you for granted. You need to give him the chance to miss you and long to see you again. If you don’t, you will become far less special quickly. We always tend to put the most value on things that we don’t get to have quite enough, which always leaves you longing for more. That is the best way to win his heart…always leaving him wanting more of you. So, never overstay your welcome.

None of these secrets are meant to be manipulative, which is never a good basis for any relationship. Rather, they all come from a place of strength and self-respect, which is what makes them so powerful. Follow these tips because you value yourself. Ultimately, truly valuing yourself will make you far more attractive to the men who come into your life!

MIND GAMES

When it comes to love relationships, most people play games. There have been a plethora of books and articles about such games. However, very few writings have been written about the structure and the structural components used to play such games. Here we examine the structural components and the manner in which they are used by players. This short article should provide the reader with a basic understanding of the games and how they are used.

Eric Berne wrote a 1964 best-selling book entitled Games People Play, a book whose title proclaimed exactly what the book described: the types of games people engaged in. These game types however, are not the kernel of our concern. What we are going to look at instead, is the manner in which such games are structured and played out; along with the labels of such structural components.

There are structured types of gaming components which fit under the rubric IMPRESSION MANAGEMENT. As humans social creatures, we tend to limit access to our “dirty laundry” and instead, we try to emphasize to others the positive aspects of our lives which hopefully props up the appearance of a polished game.

As humans, we all FRONT; that is we enact a contrived performance for others to view. If our games are polished, and others find our act believable, they will treat us according to the response we desired from them. If our act is not believable, then our whole presentation of self will be called into question. Once that happens, it’s difficult to recover. Just take for example the singing duo Millie Vanilli. Once it was discovered that they had earned a Grammy by lip-synching, their singing careers were virtually over.

People often take great pains to prepare their performance; their game. Such prep-work mostly occur BACK STAGE, a place where a person can both relax “out of character” and perhaps even plot strategy for the next staged activity. Most of the time it’s a good idea to restrict access to our back stage regions.

In order to enact a believable front, we need to know what a given role performance entails. We need to know how to go about planning our game strategy. To do this, we use SCRIPTS as our guides. We get ideas about scripted behavior from observing others. We observe them in the media; we observe them in our own daily lives; or we observe them vicariously through others’ lives. Once acquired, however, we put our own spin on these scripted roles so that they appear to be a natural part of our own performance.

As actors, we also utilize PROPS to enhance our performances. There are a plethora of available props for augmenting our staged performances. For example, we may try and appear wearing the right clothes; we may have surgery to enhance our looks; we may try and appear driving the right type of car. A recent ad for Mercedes read, “When wit and charm fail. The S-Class.” Other props allow us to hide our grey hair; or to even have hair!

Social performances often occur as TEAM-PLAY. It could be men versus women. Games may exist between management and labor; parents versus children. The examples are endless. A sense of morality and/ or loyalty to a particular team may script social behavior. For example, a man who spoils another man’s front in front of a pretty girl may be viewed as guilty of a “man camp violation” and may be expected to remedy any such behavior in future interactions.

In his masterpiece book STRATEGIC INTERACTION, Erving Goffman talks about the basic “moves” inherent with social interaction. Three of these basic moves have a direct bearing on our discussion. The first type of “move” that is basic to gaming is a COVERING MOVE. This type of strategic move is intended to hide or obscure negative information about us that would blemish our front. Men sometimes label their porn collection as “camping equipment” or some other tag that would seem somewhat uninteresting to a female companion; lessening the chance that she will have a desire to look inside any such container. Others may hide their Prozac container during the initial stages of dating (and perhaps even beyond).

The existence of a covering move makes possible the need for an UNCOVERING MOVE. Most of us realize that people front and aren’t always on the up-and-up. Therefore, people will use uncovering moves to get at the “truth” behind another person’s front(s). I hate to be the bearer of this news, but women tend to be better at uncovering than men.

There are a number of ways to discover or uncover the truth behind a front. The goal here is to unobtrusively glean clues as to another’s “true” motives for engaging in certain fronts. The masters of uncovering moves are the ones who not only understand the larger picture in which fronting occurs, but are also attuned to the nuances of how the drama unfolds in face-to-face interactions.

These masters are gifted at noticing the manner in which the “i”s are dotted and the “t”s are crossed. These gifted observers are the ones who realize that small clues reveal large motives. A former girlfriend of mine knew I wasn’t a morning person. On a number of occasions, she had asked me to accompany her to her parents’ house, to the mall, or to help her around the house at some early hour. Normally I found a way to get out of such requests. One day however, she noticed I was up very early. She asked me why I was up so early and I told her I was going hiking with some friends. She surmised from this incident that I enjoyed my friends more than I enjoyed her parents or helping her with the house chores. As a master of uncovering moves, my girlfriend had first asked me questions around the issue, rather than first assessing my motive and then accusing me directly. She had let me do the talking first, that way I had to stick to my story once I had realized she had “uncovered” me.

Once someone’s front is called into question because of an uncovering move, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the act is spoiled completely. Some actors don’t instinctively surrender their front or admit their uncovered motives for their actions. These types know how to talk their way out of a potentially blemished front. As soon as these guys realize they’ve been a victim of an uncovering move, they instinctively and smoothly attempt a COUNTER-UNCOVERING MOVE.

By now you’ve probably guessed that a counter-uncovering move is an attempt to “reset” a spoiled front. The recent series of TWIX television commercials are good examples of this type of move. In one spot, the man is attempting to quietly sneak in late without his wife knowing. She wakes up as he is next to the bed undressing. She asks him if he is just arriving home (uncovering move). He responds by telling her that he is actually motivated to go to work early (counter-uncovering move).

When matters of the heart are involved, partners are forced to communicate. And communicate they do! There are two main component types of communication. Goffman called the first type “giving.” “Giving” information means that the sender is aware of the type of communication they are transmitting. In short, this type of message is purposeful. This could be information as simple as matching your clothes; driving a stylish car; or any number of actions showing that the person is aware of what they are communicating.

The second type of communication Goffman called “giving off.” This form of communication is non-purposeful. That is, the person communicating such information doesn’t realize they are doing so.

One time when I was living at the college dorms, I had a friend whose girlfriend always seemed to know when he was “up to something.” Somehow she was able to read the cues he “gave off” that he wasn’t exactly as innocent as he tried to appear. One time he came back from some other girls’ dorm room. When his girlfriend greeted him, she smelled smoke on his clothes and immediately began to grill him as to his recent whereabouts. He fumbled through the interrogation, but afterward, he asked his girlfriend how come she had accused him of acting in a seemingly suspicious manner. With an air of smugness, she said, “You always click your teeth when you’re trying to hide something.” After that encounter, he worked on hiding that clicking noise.

In order to gauge someone’s social actions, Goffman described a natural benchmark he called an INVOLVEMENT CONTOUR. Goffman claimed that social life has a natural or normal social rhythm. A person, therefore, could be seen as violating such an expected tempo. Any such violation would “give off” a clue as to their true motive for engaging in such social activity. If a man is coming on too strong, he is violating the involvement contour and is thus “giving off” information about his motive for his actions. On the other hand, a lack of enthusiasm in a given activity may also “give off” one’s insincerity in an activity. For example, if a man seems distracted during foreplay while Sportscenter is on the television, his partner may glean his true motive as having a stronger desire to watch sports than to engage in sex.

The concepts illustrated in this article are not necessarily as cut-and-dry as they may seem from this short article. Because many of these concepts occur simultaneously, they are not necessarily obvious or always easily recognizable. For example, a person may enact a successful uncovering move based on information “given-off” of which violated the involvement contour. A person doesn’t necessarily need formal training in these matters to have an operational grasp of how they work. There are some who are “naturals.” But to learn about these concepts, and how they “work” within any relationship definitely gives the person with the knowledge a leg up.