Negative Passion

The feeling that passion brings to a  relationship is awesome! There's no  better feeling in the world. Passion is one of the most powerful and most  addicting substances a person can  experience. But there is a catch to willingly partaking of this “drug.”  Passion has a downside; a dark side.  The odds are that the longer you stay together, the more likely a relationship  will get "routine." Why is it so hard to keep passion alive in a long-term relationship? What do we do to try and  keep passion alive in our  relationships? 

Relationships tend to start out strong,  and then these days they seem to  fizzle out just as fast as they ignite.Not  all do this of course, but many do just that: fizzle. But because passion tends  to go missing, couples find different  ways to replace such a grand feeling.  The rub, however, is that they tend to  replace one type of passion with  another type of passion. They resort  to replacing positive passion with  negative passion. This phenomenon  fits with the old adage that negative  attention is better than no attention at  all. But what type of positive  relationship can be built on negativity?  

The reason that negative passion has  taken the place of positive passion is  similar to a drug addict “chasing a  high.” The initial rush experienced  when a relationship is new and still  exciting is a feeling that normally dissipates as a relationship settles into  a routine. So how do people keep the adrenaline flowing? They act in ways  that keep passion in the relationship.  However passion is an absolute value.  Passion can be both negative and  positive. Passion is passion  nonetheless. So couples often  engage in games that keep their relationships exciting. Only the  excitement in these cases may not be  such a good thing.  

The first type of game based in  negative passion is rooted in activities  that involve sneaking around. Getting away with something tends to  jumpstart a relationship with passion  from the get-go. People that engage  in this type of activity seek out other  people who are either completely offlimits or are “restricted” in some manner. Sometimes students like their teachers. Sometimes teachers like their students. Sometimes supervisors and like their workers.  Sometimes workers like their  supervisors. Sometimes people are  attracted to their best friend's girlfriend  or boy

friend. These sneaky types get  their passion, their rush, from the illicit  nature of their crime or indiscretion. This game, however, falls short of  being ultimately satisfying. Because  once these types of relationships transform into something “legit,” the  very nature of the alteration kills its roots, the sneaky passion. So, just about the time one of these types of  relationships become socially  acceptable, the wind is let out of the  sail and a new sneaky situation  catches the eye of the deviant. In  short, the types that enjoy this game  tend to jump from short relationship to  short relationship, avoiding legitimacy  in the fear that the routine factor will have any chance of snuffing out the  passion factor. 

The second type of game rooted in negative passion is  the relationship based in crabbiness or bitchiness. The type of people that are attracted to this sort of relationship  are always upset, and the negativity of the relationship keeps them in the game.The raw resentment, anger and  frustration keep the passion, or in this case the raw  nerve, open and alive. This type of relationship may be rooted in a negative passion, but it's definitely always a  challenge- and the sex in these relationships tends to be  very passionate and exhausting. It sometimes the good  sex itself is what makes the whole thing endurable.  Examples of these types of relationships are evident in  television series such as Everyone Loves Raymond and the couple featured in Home Improvement. The crabby  partner definitely keeps things from becoming too  comfortable; and thus keeps the relationship from being  anything but routine. In the long run though, a partner’s  resentment from the continual crabbiness may cause too  much of the nerve to become raw and the other partner  may then be repulsed into the arms of a less crabby  partner that seems just as passionate minus the built up  resentment. 

The third type of game rooted in negative passion I call  the “cliffhanger.” In this game, the passion is created by  pushing your partner to the precipice of the cliff and then  the challenge is to stop them from falling over and  permanently ending the relationship. The partners guilty  of this game tend to come alive under these circumstances. Suddenly they realize what is at stake  and the challenge of “saving” the relationship tempers any boring routine from developing. These cliffpushers  truly believe in their cause; to save the  relationship from doom. In fact, in counseling  these types are the most passionate and  believe in the romance of the chance to  show their partner their true dedication to the relationship. The problem is that  once they pull their partner from the  edge of the cliff, “things” are okay for  awhile and then they once again begin  the push-to-save cycle in earnest.The  troubled relationship eventually solves  itself as the partner being pushed  builds up enough resentment and  then voluntarily seeks the cliff edge as their escape. Game over.  The problem with intimate relationships is that their very nature makes them candidates for these games rooted in  negative passion.The positive passion of a new  relationship is difficult to keep at initial levels of  intensity.Thus, couples have sought ways to keep the passion alive and intense. They have however, resorted  to playing these three types of negative passion games.  And because these types of negatively-rooted games  have endured so long, they have become institutions  firmly rooted in our relationship culture. In fact, an  episode of Sex and the City called Drama Queens deals  with the fact that some women have come to think that if  there isn't any trouble in their relationship, then  something must be wrong with it. How sad.  

Has drama, high maintenance, and negativity become  the hallmarks of our American love lives? This may explain the emergence of a negative social phenomenon  so pervasive that we have labeled it divorce culture: an  entire culture built on broken relationships. Yet who has  a magic solution that will keep alive the fresh passion  inherent with a new relationship? Is it inevitable that our  relationships must turn negative just to keep the passion  intact? I don't think so, but I also offer no solution here in  this piece. I hate to leave the readers hanging, but each  one of us must figure out the solution for themselves.  Suggestions?  Email Dr. Padilla pete.padilla@gmail.