Are You Ready for Marriage?
Mae West, the Hollywood actress, sex symbol and comedienne extraordinaire of the 1930s, once said of marriage, “I greatly respect the institution of marriage, but I’m just not ready for an institution quite yet.” Ms. West was light years ahead of her time in her bawdy sense of humor, however, there is a pearl of wisdom buried just below the surface of her words that were spoken many years ago. Marriage has the potential of being what some say is a comfortable warm place to land after the world has done its best to tire one out or, at the opposite end of the spectrum, it can feel like a place of entrapment and misery.
As a marriage and family therapist for many years I am often asked, “What are the ingredients that make a successful marriage?” or “Do you think we/I am ready to get married?” These are almost always the primary questions that couples ask when they book an appointment for pre-marital counseling. My experience in this arena tells me that if couples took the time to assess the strengths and challenges of their relationship prior to marriage, perhaps more of them could achieve the dream many of us have, which is to live happily ever after until death do us part. These questions about the readiness for marriage are not easily answered with lightning speed or clichéd answers.
It is critical for prospective newlyweds to examine together what each person believes is the important ingredients of a happy, long-term commitment. After each makes a list of his or her personal beliefs and what is important to each individually, they might want to share and discuss their individual answers. In order to maximize the chances of having an open discussion, the couple should set aside a time when they both might feel relaxed. Create an environment that promotes intimacy such as lighting candles, shutting down phones, computers and other disruptive devices, and get comfortable. After setting a relaxed tone, it is usually much easier to share one’s personal list with the other.
At first blush, sharing such personal lists may appear to one partner or the other to be a somewhat difficult task to accomplish. Many potential life-long partners fail to address critical issues early on that may later lead to a marital break-up; the problems may have been avoided or resolved had those subjects been discussed prior to the wedding ceremony. Obvious potential marital problems can originate from the fact that many couples are so enthralled with their partner early on - in what’s known as the honeymoon phase of a relationship - that they assume, incorrectly, that with enough time and love the issue will work itself out or that the other person will eventually change. Nothing could be further from the truth. Once the discussion begins and partners are more comfortable sharing with each other, they are more likely to more accurately assess their common values and beliefs regarding marriage.
When it comes to working out potential pitfalls, direct communication regarding major marital issues that can lead to dissent, arguments and perhaps a break-up are critical to iron out prior to the wedding night. Common examples of major issues that require consensus prior to marriage but are often ignored are: the desire for children (or not); dealing with career issues and shared financial responsibilities; sexual style preferences such as the frequency of love-making and beliefs and attitudinal differences surrounding the value of monogamy, etc.; learning how to communicate directly with one’s mate in a way that allows each to feel comfortable expressing feelings openly and in a respectful manner; developing trust and friendship within the relationship as an essential ingredient to a happy marriage; and agreeing to encourage and support the other’s dreams and goals.
Research shows us that the number one problem for prospective newlyweds is unresolved debts that were incurred prior to marriage. Thus, discussions around budgets, spending habits and shared financial goals can either pave the way for a smooth transition into marriage or create a potential nightmare without either person realizing it, until it ultimately leads to a battle in a courtroom.
In summary, there is no sure-fire, one- size- fits- all answer to the question “Am I ready for marriage?” nor are there any guarantees that a marriage will last “till death do us part” in our modern world. However, if a couple is completely forthright with their potential mate and a complete assessment is done that delineates their shared goals and values, the chances are much greater to achieve that ultimate desire of living happily ever after.
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