Relationships and Drama: Understanding the Balances of a Relationship

Why is there so much drama in relationships  these days? Ask yourself, how many relationships  do you know of that are based on a solid, loving,  positively passionate foundation? Having studied relationships for the better part of two decades, I  would also guess that honestly, you could count  these types of solid relationships on one hand.The lack of relationships that are solidly based in  passion says something about our society and the  way we go about establishing and maintaining  them. What are we doing wrong? Are we doing  anything right? Why is there so much drama in relationships these days?  One of our first downfalls is the fact that we  have placed too much emphasis on our potential partner's style and perhaps not enough emphasis  on their content. That is, we think that if someone  is physically attractive enough to warrant our  attention and therefore our affection, we will attach  our emotions to them and pray everything works  out in our favor. Then what do we do when our  relationships "go south"?We start over, trying even  harder to become more physically attractive. It's as  though as a society we are stuck in junior high school.Why did we like anyone during junior high  school? Answer: "Oh, he is soooo cute." The divorce rate in this country hovers  around the fifty-percent mark. There is even a term  for a society experiencing such a high rate of  relationship failure: divorce culture. What if every  other time you went for a drive you were involved in  an accident?Would you still want to drive? I would  guess that you wouldn't. Under these adverse  conditions, perhaps walking would seem like a  more attractive option. So why is it that we treat relationships in this manner?Why do we still try to  establish them despite the overwhelming odds that  they will fail? Perhaps it's all about denial, hopeless  romanticism, or that we like to pretend we will be the ones that overcome such odds. In order to address these questions,  perhaps we should first further deconstruct the  failed logic that has come to define how our  relationships develop and evolve over time. Let's  see how our relationships start out and why they tend to veer off into divorce culture.  After many years of studying relationships,  I have noticed that most of them go through three  distinct stages before they fall apart.The first stage I call positive passion. In this stage, we are alive  with pleasure! Birds sing a little louder. The sun  shines a little brighter. We often feel so good that we feel like nothing troubles us. We tend to enjoy this stage with all its fun,  excitement, affection and attention! With all this  positive energy surrounding us, we feel alive; and  others can sense our often unbridled sense of  happiness. While in this stage, others can sense our joy and "offers often come out of the  woodwork." What can we do to perpetuate the passion  we feel during that initial stage? Is it possible to  keep this stage alive forever? I haven't seen much  evidence of this happening over a lifetime. So how  do we keep the passion alive in our relationships?  After all, it is good for our love lives. If a couple  looses their passion for love, they become mere  friends. This is what happens to many people who  stay together for so many years.They no doubt love  one another, but are no longer "in love." They are good friends, but are usually lonely for love. So to  avoid such a scenario, couples manage to keep the passion alive alright, but it inevitably transforms  itself.  The second stage of a relationship unfolds  as follows. I call this second stage the tipping point.  The relationship slowly "tips" from one of positive  passion to one of negative passion. As we get to really know our partners, we begin to go through  power-struggles with them.To make matters worse,  in most relationships routine begins to settle in as  we tend to our careers and other social demands.  I'm not the first to say this, but routine is not  passionate. Plus, power-struggles tend to cause  resentment. Thus, routine plus power-struggle  equals double trouble.  But as couples experience problems, they  also tend to engage in make-up sex. Make-up sex  is romantic and you guessed it, passionate! The  ability to feel again is passionate and gives us the  often futile idea that the passion we felt in stage  one can be resurrected. Make-up sex is powerful  and often intoxicatingly passionate. It takes us out  on the precipice and makes us keenly aware of our  feelings.  But in order for make-up sex to keep having the  same effect, the drama we mistake for positive  passion (and hope) has to keep increasing in its intensity. It's sort of like a drug addict having to  increase his dose in order to achieve the same  level of "high." Sometimes a partner will start a fight  on purpose just to get their "fix." This is where the trouble begins to get us into real trouble.  Once a relationship reaches this third stage,  one defined by negative passion, it's very difficult to regain the positive passion felt during the beginning  stage. Because the negative passion is associated  with negative drama, the relationship begins a  downhill spiral in which the centrifugal force keeps  it in such a negative state.  These days, how many women are attracted  to nice guys? Like the flames of hell that create a  piercing burn, the negative passion in these types  of relationships make us "feel" again; we  experience our emotions in an acute fashion and thus we become intensely aware of our "feelings."  There is no argument, this type of negative passion  keeps our attention and is definitely not boring.The drama factor keeps the routine factor at bay and  can create some of the most exciting times of our  lives. But what happens when the negative drama  reaches a point where the drama becomes the norm: routine? Trouble times two. Once the drama and the negative passion associated with it become routine, such a state of  affairs then become normal and even expected.  This type of passion can be so normal that it  begins to define any subsequent relationship potential in the future.That is, persons accustomed  to this negative passion will begin to find its  manifestations attractive and will actually seek out  signs of such negative passion. This is why "bad  boys" are so attractive; and they are hardly boring.  To be sure, they will keep their partner on their toes.  The danger of these relationships is that  they are not very healthy. Another serious concern  is that individuals who experience these types of negative passionate relationships vicariously (such  as children who grow up around them) begin to feel that this is what constitutes a "normal" relationship.  Thus, they will see nothing wrong with these types  of relationships and will likely seek out partners  who will engage in such negatively passionate relationships. After all, they already have the  training to deal with them. Thus, these types of  unhealthy relationships are perpetuated.  Perhaps Sex and the City's Carrie character  was correct in her assumption that women who are  in relationships without drama actually feel as  though something is wrong with them. Perhaps this  explains why the divorce rate is so high and  climbing. If this is so, who is going to turn this phenomenon around so that a "normal"  relationship is once again perceived to be based  on positive passion? As a society have we traveled  too far down this path of negative passion? Is there  any hope for the future generations? Until something is done to remedy this turn of events,  many more hearts will ache and many more tears  will be shed. But who is to blame? If you pursue this  type of dramatic relationships, or tolerate them,  then in some way you yourself are to blame. But we  are also guilty as a collective for condoning these  types of relationships in our media. We are also guilty in our hedonistic quests to please ourselves.  But consider this; the clock is ticking and many  people are alone and lonely as they reach their  twilight years. Unless you do something about this turn of events, you will be a statistic of the lonely,  bitter divorce culture.